What I would like the most in the world for my birthday this year is to go out with all the people I love so dearly & fondly, sip on piña coladas, and to drink, laugh & dance the night away.
Can’t sleep & stressful thinking…
Tomorrow the events I organised go live around Australia - Sydney, Brisbane & Melbourne. I hope everything runs smoothly and guests have a great time.
I can’t seem to sleep as my tummy is doing summersaults. I’ll be working the Sydney event and would like nothing more than to have an exceptionally amazing day - waking up with a good tan, getting my hair & makeup just right, having everything fall into place (just as I have planned on my extremely detailed/precise/specific runsheet), for me not to get nervous (blushing, giggling & stumbling on the most basic of words) and for people to shake my hand as they are leaving commenting something along the lines of “thanks for a great time/event/afternoon, you’ve done an amazing job”.
There is a cold air filling the night.
Consuming its occupants who are without the shelter of an enclosed warmth.
Extend this idea to whom you meet next which looks upon you in an uttermost undesirable fashion. Sometimes one finds it all the more easier to allow themselves to be consumed as supposed to seek refuge in the right place. It is the easier task and henceforth taken by many with few reaping the rewards considered undesirable as it is a vast effort which must be upheld in an every day occurrence where every moment is a grand opportunity to prove ones own self worth and self value. Being ones own most desirable person is difficult, yet a challenge that one should be willing to take.
The accomplishment of a malnourished life of experiences lived in the first person is that a hunger for knowledge is acquired. How one goes about seeking such knowledge is varied yet the same. Emotion rules our every judgment, choice and action made.
Acknowledging emotions as a driver of accepting & understanding said knowledge provides a basis for growth.
Growth occurs in many a form. But true human growth occurs not with the physical body or the accumulated number of years, but with the expansion of ones own mind.
Irrelevantly labelled maturity it is the peace found in ones own self. The realization that one cannot coexist without the other. Then in the state of an expanded mind set this is extended onto the surroundings, amongst people, animals, nature and the world as we so barley know it.
I believe I have found said peace, yet I remain uneasy as frustration occurs all too frequently. Frustration at the inability of others to understand the retained ‘enlightenment’ for lack of a word.
This time of night the breathing slows but the thoughts quicken. The unbearable pain of realising it is yet another day that has gone, another day that has passed with out a word spoken or action made.
The cyclical nature of people leaving is beginning to prove tiresome. Be it of my own infliction and the acknowledgement would be made, adequate recognition would be addressed to some fault in my character.
Here lies the realisation that the frequency indicates it is of my own demise. The ritual distancing of a person for the many faces of fear leaves one alone as not many return.
Please let someone return.